Ahh wondering!!

Hi people
This is just a random topic about the worlds existence. I have gone mad. Literally. I was thinking, im just confused about everything. this post probably sounds really really vague, but nothing seems right at the moment for some strange reason...

Thats cause nothing IS right, and at the same time everything is...

Very confusing stuff.

I was very confused like this for a while, this is like, a dialogue between two sides of my mind, for this purpose I'll call them my conscious and my subconscious, though Im not sure which is which... Anyway...

Consciousness: What is the meaning of life? Why are we here?
Subconscious Mind: To help change the world and make it a better place.
Consciousness: But if the world wasn't here, there wouldn't be a need to change it.
Subconscious Mind: But we are here, the world does exist, we can't change that, so we might as well go on with what we've got, because it's our only choice.

Thats about all I've got, I haven't really got past the 'Just deal with it, cause its here' thing...

Maybe there isn't even any more to life than that, I dont know.

But is that KINDA along your line of thinking? Or am I way off?

That is very freaky. I though I was the only person that questioned the existence of myself and everything else. but really. My questions were more like once you get to the top what do you do then. And you can't get to the top no matter what. And what is the point of leisure and luxury when you only need the basics to live. But are we destined to be able to comprehend the use of accessories? I don't know. It making me thionk too much.

Ezack

leisure?Luxury?they only exist from the selfishness that the world has.they r only *things* that we *want* because socity says we want them to be *cool* or *populor*.
Blindsiding us from the fact that true leisure and luxury are there just they are not a item they are somrthing like indulgence into helping others and seeing there smiles of gratitude.
those smiles make my day,my week,my year
And i dont know about u but when i see that smile i dont care y im here or about the meaning of life all i think about is how prilivedged i am to make someone so happy and to be able to help

sorry i think i went way of topic here.Oh well

Aw, well... Yeah, I totally know what you mean...

People can be so... superficial

I just don't see the point to anything anymore... I am actually on the verge of giving up, its just that nothing really matters anymore, I feel like I don't have ANYTHING.
And that is stupid, because I do have a lot of the meaningless trivial things, like a boat, a plane, lots of random electronic stuff, and when I say I hve nothing I feel really ungrateful. And its not that I'm ungrateful, its just that there is more out there that I don't have, and hell, i don't even know what it is... but yeah, I don't see the point of life without it.

ill tell you what it very well could possibly be... and I say this from 100% self-experience.... self-love.

you can have everything you think you desire and need.. both materistically or emotionally (family, friends.. loved ones) and yet, still be so deeply and wildly unsatisfied. You could be excelling in everything in your life, but still feel empty.

I've come to really... really understand, and not just mentally, but in my heart, through time and time again of experiences.. of trials and mistakes made.. through tons and tons of introspection and self-seeking behavior......... that if you don't accept yourself at a very basic fundamental level, then nothing else really matters... simply because it can't be truly appreciated.

god..... for the longest time... years and years, the last 7 years of my life.. 12-19 this has been my quest and journey, to feel and understand this lesson. Finding true love for myself and life. Unfortunately through extreme lack of self-love and letting myself experience love for others. making horrible decisions, especially in the past couple years. hurting people, myself.. a spiraling train wreck of destruction.. bent on proving to the world and myself.. my parents most of all, that I was worth something despite my performance. And that's what we're all really raised with... we feel as though we have to look good for this reason... for that reason. peers, family, expectations. This is all... empty. and unsubstantial.

I've come to the point now.. and well, it's almost as though ive been forced here by powers unseen, but most definitely felt... where I can't be anything but who I am. This means no pretending. this means all layers of self that aren't truly in alignment with our TRUE vibration to fall away.. and this leaves a person SO.. so fucking vulnerable. You feel as though you can't put up those walls. It's almost as though you're mind is so.... stupified, and... well gone. that you can't put up fake pretenses. emotionally, this just feels so utterly wrong....

I miss my mind so much.. oh boy do I.. speaking fast, being able to mold myself into any situation and adapt here, and perform there... oo look at me, like a prize horse... see how shiny my coat is and how healthy my teeth look? BUT... finally, im starting to really feel things again... feel that wisdom. Through this vulnerbility.. through this 'ego' taking experience, ive come to accept who I am. have been shown that our weaknesses are okay... that these burdens we hold with us just weigh us down and aren't meant to hold us back. Oh boy.. I held onto them so strongly at one point where I just tied EVERYTHING to these mistakes ive made and forced myself to feel worthless. but.. alas it was just me doing this.

so... all of this sounds great.. easier said than done, right? all im saying to anyone here....... is just let yourself be.. accept. Please dont hate yourselves... or others. or hold regrets.. the pain is unbareable.. and you don't even feel human at times. Just look deep within.... and ask for all the guidance you can get.. your spirit guides and higher self are grateful to help. and just the fact that you're letting go of control.. and asking for help, can feel sooo good.

you gain power... by giving it up.

so... it's late... and I just hope someone gets something out of my message here. I don't often post on forums... but when I do, they're really meaningful... and if this resonates with you.. oh great, ALL THE BETTER.

p.s. there's so much for me to work on still.. and I know this... it's just that knowing what you know, and appreciating that as well as what you don't know, makes a world of difference.

lol I wrote this in 5 min! damn, came straight from my soul.

But its so HARD to let go... I'm a bit of a control freak, I don't like accepting that anyone or anything other than myself has control over my life.
I want to stop it hurting, I want to let go...
But it's not in my nature, I don't know how...