Hmmm...

I have this feeling that something is going to happen... I used to always get these feelings, but come to think about it, it actually hasn't happened for a few months...
In fact the last time I had a feeling something big was going to happen was when I started going out with Spock... Now, that relationship WAS good at first, it just turned... crap. It really changed me, a lot. I can remember how good I felt at first, too... That was what my feeling was leading up to...
Anyhow, I kept with the intuition for about a week after that and then these 'feelings' went away. And well, that relationship got really, really bad for me, emotionally and spititually speaking.
I lost a lot of my identity during the past two months, I'm only just realizing how much... I forsook everything, I turned my back on everything. The only thing I didn't manage to get rid of was my empathy, which spiralled out of control.
Now, I really want to go back to the way I was... I really miss that, I used to have more fun. And I think it's starting to come back to me.
Today, for the first time in almost 3 months I embraced my gift of seeing into other worlds again.
And now I have this feeling something big is going to happen. Something really big. It could just FEEL stronger, because I'm not used to this feeling anymore, but to me it feels like something important. as I write this, I'm nearly crying because of this utter emotion sweeping over me. Woah... Now my personality is starting to come back as well, because that was dulled as well.
During that time, I thought I didnt know who I was because of my new friend group, but it wasn't that. It was within me.
I never want to lose myself like that again. Ever.

So that brings me to two main questions.
1. What is this big thing that's going to happen, thats totally overwhelming me?
2. How do I stop myself from letting that happen to me again?

Ugh. Same thing happened to me--except for me, it was over a 10 year period. A long time to be without yourself and then afterwards you can't remember who you were and wouldn't know how to get that person back very well if you could. A sucky, sucky feeling and I'm sorry you're going through that.

There's really no answer anyone can give you as far as how to not let it happen again except that you have to be confident with who you are and love yourself. Yes, this sounds like a message in a really bad after school special, but its true. A lot of times we rush into things against our intuition because we don't trust ourselves and we're not happy with ourselves and our lives (not saying you were like that, only you know if you were, I'm just saying this is usually how it goes). But if you embrace yourself you won't be easily molded, I guess that's what I'm saying. For me it was a religion. I don't blame the religion (I used to) it was more the people...but I can't blame them either because no one made me change. I didn't even know I was changing, it happened slowly.

I get those feelings a lot too. I hate it because you feel so anxious to find out what the hell is going on but there's nothing you can do.

Yeah, its kinda like anticipation, nervousness and excitement all rolled into one lol.
So I just trust my intuition? I guess I could... Considering I got it back, lol.
But its hard... I mean, I do tend to go against my intuition, 'cause sometimes I just don't trust myself.

For myself, I know that I used to not trust my intuition when I was afraid of missing out on something I wanted or when I was afraid of looking stupid. But those are really bad reasons. When you trust your intuition it comes more naturally. When you first dicide to do it, you WILL be wrong a lot (hopefully not) but eventually you refine your ability. And sometimes you'll have feelings that you think aren't acurate because you'll only see the surface of a situation--later you might find out you were really right. A few years ago, I had a really bad feeling about a friend of mine who lived with me, my husband and an ex-band member. It was 4am and I called his cell phone because he was at a party, and asked if all was OK. He said yes so I thought, "Another wrong gut feeling." Two days later, our house was robbed of our gear and studio equipment that wasn't ours (so insurance didn't cover it and we lived in the ghetto and were dirt poor anyway!) and later we found out that that roomate did it with the help of friends he was at the party with. So yes...you might not always know you're right but later you will find out you are.

I could try, I guess... I'm not afraid of trying new things

Yeah... Hmm, I've been rereading the Celestine Prophesy and the Tenth Insight lately, it kinda talks about that a little...

Coincidence? Never...

Woah. That's kinda weird...I never heard about The Celestine Prophecy until a couple of weeks ago when my friend got it from his girlfriend. I should probably check it out.

Yeah its really good...
This is a bit of a coincidence too ;)

If you read it, you'll know what I mean with all this talking about coincidences, lol

Oh, btw, how do I know if something is my instinct, or my paranoia?

Yeah, well, uh...I haven't figured that one out. But I usually don't listen to my feeling if it goes along with what I want. Like if I don't want to go to someone's house to begin with, then I get feelings that something bad is going to happen, I won't listen to it. But if I wanted to go and I get the feeling, I usually trust it and usually (not always) find out that it was good thing. I used to think I was really paranoid about certain things only find out later that I was right so I don't think all paranoia should be brushed aside either...and it takes trial and error to know the slight difference in feeling. Sorry...that doesn't help much.

Hmmm.. Doesn't that disagree with the theaory that we create our own reality?

I mean, with Spock, yeah, I was paranoid he was gonna hurt me, but that was half because I have trust issues ALL the time... And he did actually hurt me, and I don't know...

I mean... Yeah... I will be more detailed on this tomorrow, I'm just about to go out, now...

Hope you had fun

How so? Only if everything we thing creates our reality, which it doesn't--no matter how much I want my in laws to drop dead, it aint happening. Sorry, bad joke

Now not trying to get too personal here, but are your trust issues JUST paranoia? Because for me, I have total trust issues with EVERYONE but that started when I was in my late teens after every person (this is not kidding) did something betray my trust. And these weren't bad people at all. Having trust issues because of life long experiences is a completely different matter. I just thought I had issues but then found out I have jaguar medicine and I heard from an old south american saying that...well I can't remember word for word...but basically that the jaguar person is meant to walk alone for whatever reason. Maybe there is a reason to your paranoia as well. I also heard someplace that us indigos effect a certain response in some people...but I won't quote the rest because I can't remember it well. God, I'm too young to be losing my memory.

no... I've been hurt a lot, and thats why I'm paranoid. i feel like every time i let someone in, they hurt me...

Like I said, me too. IMO if your paranoia is caused then confirmed, maybe its not so much paranoia. Trust yourself because trusting yourself is respecting yourself. Keep in mind that EVERYONE hurts people whether they mean to or not, and indigos are more sensitive in some regards than other people and get hurt by things that might not hurt other people. We don't typically have a lot of friends because of this. My friend Skinny is a loner and he always says to keep the bullshit to a minumum--I used to just laugh at that but it really does help. I talked to a lady last fall who said that it wasn't paranoia, it's discernment--something most people don't have a lot of. I'm not saying shut people out or anything like that, just try to give your feelings more credit, that's all.

BTW have you found out what your expectant feeling was?

nup, I've still got it, its getting stronger every day... sorta weird, but it has happened to me a lot before.

Well I hope its something good

Is it me dieing?

Ezack!

EZACK!!! That isnt good!

I'm sorry if I didn't read everything. I only read the part about how it dfelt similar to when you went out with Spock. I did not read anything to do with it being positive lolz.

Ezack!

oh no... I mean, like, it just feels like something big... Lifechanging...

Me dieing sounded pretty life changing in your dream.

Ezack!

Well, yeah... Oh god.. Thanks, Isaac...

Why are you thanking me for? I would've thought someone would've thought of it before me.

Ezack!

yeah, well, i didnt. And now I do